No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I'm flexible, in actuality change scares me, irritates the crap out of me, makes me uncomfortable. This time of year is especially difficult with the setting of new routines, let a lone a new space, a new set of priorities.
I walk over to boil water for my tea and realize I can't locate an outlet immediate vicinity. I try to use my melting lamp and the extension cord won't reach, my easel breaks, I don't have enough enrollment to feel comfortable enough to pay my higher rent.
It all seemed so effortless last year and once again I beat myself up for dropping the ball with marketing, for daring to dream big, for reaching higher and higher. Rejections again from every corner - art fairs, online courses, live students. I keep telling myself that it' all for the best, that in the end all works out beautifully, but my ego is not convinced. How can I believe in myself if everything requires two steps forward and four steps back?
On days like today it's especially comforting to revel in the little familiar actions, like the mixing of a harmonious palette, the balancing of a composition with the drips, the rewarding discovery of new color combinations. It's soothing to sit in solitude and allow myself to be sad, scared and apprehensive.
"Only know you've been high when you're feeling low" are the lyrics in one of my favorite songs.
The good days will come, but only when I give in to the blues and let myself experience them, be kind to myself when I'm in this phase, as opposed to reverting to my customary self deprecating, self-criticizing self.